Camouflage, Camouflage, Camouflage or...It's Hunting Season! Or Vegetarians beware , don't go hiking in the woods you may get shot at!

Ahhhhhh a fresh dusting of snow on the mountain,
leaves slowly turning color, a crispness in the air that urges you to go ahead and take a deep breath! It is considerably one of my most favorite times of the year! Er...not the hunting season but the fact that it denotes fall is on its way. I just love it when all the fall colors are in full bloom! A bit of a oxymoron I know but you know what i mean? All those beautiful hues of red,orange,green, yellow oh and of course the florescent orange of hunters caps,vests or jackets. The amount of camouflage people are donning in this town has lead me to believe if an unknowing tourist were to drop by they would possibly be mistaken for landing in downtown Baghdad. Okay , Okay ....The Crowsnest Pass is not nearly that nasty (sorry Baghdadians but I think you  know what i mean) it's just that much camouflage really feels like war is in the air!!!   

Ah some of them truly do resemble poor ole Elmer Fudd. I have patiently stood by and watched my beloved buy article after article of camouflage items. Hats, gloves, shoes, boots, toques, thermal shirts, undershirts, long johns, hoodies, jackets, snow pants, vests, binoculars, range finders ( an innocuous piece of equipment used for something to do with hunting....) uh...what else, oh yes, gps, lighter and...hm am i forgetting anything?   Oh ya, his camouflage cell phone cover! how could we forget that. What really gets fun is when they spray doe urine or moose urine or elk urine all over them selves !! : ) yaaaaaa isn't that special. It really is special.... Especially if someone is practicing sustainable hunting. this I can agree with. The animal has lived a good life, free from pain or torture or being force fed. Free of being confined with thousands of other animals wallowing knee deep in feces and urine. As long as someone is doing it with good intent and plans on consuming the wild meat I have little issue. A good fair hunt with some sportsmanship , hear hear! I myself am more of a gatherer. I go to the grocery store, gather nicely packages things and hopefully fresh produce, flash frozen if need be and for the most part i don't feel any need to put on anything camouflage, unless it's in fashion like that cute little fur lined blazer I bought a while back, hmmm I wonder where that is? I may need to dig it out , strictly for fashion of course!

Nature !!! (from the safety of the vehicle)

I love being surrounded by nature looking at the mountains getting up on top of them to climb around believing Im on the top of the world!! It is breathtaking to drive down the highway, come around the curve on a mountain side to see a vista spread before you that makes you gasp for air! well that and trying not to veer off the road over a cliff or into oncoming traffic, that leaves me a little breathless as well. It is moments like this however that I live for. Just to appreciate the beauty of majestic views. Something that truly makes you believe in a higher power that is the here and now, living in this moment. Lately it has been hunting season around here. This is a bit of a frenzy and a lot of men are getting all pumped up with testosterone and cladding themselves from head to toe in camouflage clothing. My man came out of the bedroom the other morning thinking he was pretty styling on the "Trendy Hunter" front , ready to do a photo spread for the cover and all I could think was , really....this is what you choose to do on a day off? Well okay, fine , being  the good sport that I am, I decided I should join him to take part in something that interests him as well to get out and view some of the surrounding beauty without having to get my feet wet. I was sporting a kakhi pant/coat ensemble with powder blue hiking boots and grey toque with complimenting gloves and scarf, uh excuse me , he isn't the only one allowed to go for the cover shot! I  have to admit it was good day! We spent 7 hours driving through the wilderness looking for animals! For me it was an opportunity to see back country that was just so unspoiled that it gave me faith in mankind not destroying everything. We did see a lot of animals as well. Nothing got killed and for me that was a bonus! Im not sure how I would have reacted if bear had been shot and loaded in the back of the truck. Probably not too happy. I love bears and I love to see them but usually only from the safety of the vehicle. I could sit and watch for hours if I have heavy steel and glass between myself and said bear. Out when Im hiking? noooooooooo ,the thought of running into a grizzly on a mountain side just doesn't make me feel warm and fuzzy whatsoever! It is odd though because being a scuba diver I thrill at the thought of seeing a shark on a dive. Many times when I was living in Egypt and we would head out for a day of diving we always had to know where others had seen hammerheads! I guess you don't hear too many stories of horror killings of scuba divers by sharks. Im sure it happens and I did watch the movie " Open Water" which gave me sick icky feeling because I have met people who have been left behind on dives. Lord, could you imagine coming up from a dive and you're in the middle of the ocean, all alone , nothing but you and the fishes!!  Scary , yeah , it's that whole bobbing around on the surface like a wounded fish or seal thing, that attracts the predators. Blech, getting back to the bear topic and my fear/reverence for them , there has been a lot of them around town lately. I think for the most part they are minding their own business, trying to fatten up for the winter and not get shot in the process.  I think if I had to pinpoint the escalation of my fear of being eaten by a bear it is a book my brother presented me with for a little bedtime reading "Bear Attacks!" ya...that was the title, nice bedtime true stories  to lull you off to a refreshing night of slumber. One story that really stuck with me was regarding a woman , who was a geologist, she was dropped by helicopter somewhere up north, like maybe northern Alberta or something. Anyhow, to make a long story short she was stalked and attacked by a black bear who basically ate both her arms off and tried to bury her and then went through her backpack and chewed through the cans that  had meat but left the creamed corn and peas....WORD! But by some twist of fate or stroke of  luck the helicopter came back and found her I don't know how much later (could have been the next day or days later!) and the bear was shot and she was rescued. She has no arms now but is fit with prosthesis and apparently she still does her surveying...They said , claimed... the bear had abnormalities and that's why it attacked. Eeeeeyah...right , okay , had nothing to do with it being hungry? Well nuff said...and that is why , I prefer to see nature from the safety of a vehicle, basically when i say nature i mean wild animals with sharp teeth or hooves that could potentially smash my skull in or chew my limbs off. Scuba diving and sharks though? Ahhh for that I make the exception , at least until someone presents me with the book " Shark Attacks!" Then i may have to opt for the underwater bubble vehicle but I doubt it!

Troubled Waters....or Down in the dumps?

Hmmm either or? same thing really isn't it? No...I don't think so. Sometimes it just happens, you get down in the dumps. Or you drift into troubled waters I suppose, well actually I think it is more like this: Troubled waters, you get hooked on drugs/alcohol weird sex addiction type stuff where you randomly go looking for Mr. Goodbar...or Miss Goodbar? eeeehya...anyhow, you get yourself into dangerous situations that require a bit more thought and action than simply pulling yourself up from being down in the dumps.
I remember being in troubled waters a few times in my life, lost , drifting no land in site and thinking "wow, this sucks, Im in a leaky rowboat, there's a storm approaching, I've lost one or both of my oars and I think I may have just been struck by lightening? and on top of it all I just broke a nail" but being in some sort of troubled water induced stupor I wasn't quite sure if I had been struck by lightening or not??? Ya ....I was just that troubled. It was in those times of wallowing in the depths of despair that I probably learned how to pray. Well, I mean I had probably learned how to pray in Sunday school when I was a little girl but I don't think it was quite the same prayer or the same conviction. I think those prayers worked though because somehow I saw the light begin to break through the storm clouds and with long and tedious self introspection I was even able to  believe that I was catching a glimpse of a rainbow!! Long story short without getting into any weird and embarrassing/ humiliating details I did see the sun shine again and I do on occasion see rainbows! Sometimes a Unicorn is riding down one of them (gag relfex).
Somehow, with thanks to the higher Powers that be I did survive my teens , oh and my twenties....uh and my early thirties (okay , okay I was a late bloomer! sheesh ) but that isn't to say I didn't or don't get down in the dumps! Yup sometimes I get down...way down and I just wallow in it!!!! Take a good old mud bath and lay there moaning and groaning and cursing all humanity for the horrific things they do. Usually the " down in the dumps" saga is precluded by being subjected to an episode of Family Ties....or something a bit more dire like witnessing a news clip reporting the inevitable decline of the Polar Bear population. Or Walrus' grounding themselves due to  lack of ice because it's all melted due to global warming and therefor will begin the process of starvation. It begs the question....can't they net a few Polar Bears and drop them near the Walrus' and let nature take its course? Not that i don't like walrus' however I do like Polar Bears also, except when Im sleeping in a tent somewhere north of Churchill and they appear suddenly drooling over me, Oh wait ...that's never happened and I probably never will be in a tent in Northern Manitoba so forget i said that....Okay but getting back to my suggestion, drop some Polar Bears, catch a bunch of fish, oh but not Cod cause they are declining and becoming extinct, so catch some other fish and drop them near the Walrus' and then once nature has taken its course bring in some vets to dart and sedate the bears and take them back somewhere way up north where the ice is still solid and uh.....shit....uh....and then....um...Well I dunno!!! Im not friggin David Suzuki here people!!! I didn't claim to have all the answers....ahhhh hmmm well, I got the bears and the walrus' that far so to avoid getting down in the dumps over the whole ordeal Im gonna go to my happy place. It's a nice place where Polar Bears tickle Walrus' tummies, rainbows are everywhere! Lions are giving Unicorns lick kisses and feeding them pomegranates and deer and antelope are playing in open meadows while skittles fall from the sky and nobody is ever hungry or thirsty. Oh and more importantly the waterfalls are actually gin and tonic.

Who doesn't love dogs!

I love dogs! I love all kinds of dogs, big dogs, little dogs, fat dogs, skinny dogs, vicious dogs ( they need love to...that's probably why they're vicious!) friendly sweet dogs, smelly dogs, fluffy dogs, short haired shedding dogs , you get the picture, if it is of the canine species I pretty much am a sucker for it! Unfortunately not everyone shares the same affection for the four legged variety of humans best friend. Take for example an ex coworker of mine. He hated dogs, he said he didn't really but he did. You could see it every time he would eye ball the dog hair on my coat as I would hang it in the closet next to his. What?...there was an empty hanger next to his black DKNY overcoat.  Anyhow, I remember posting some photo's for my wallpaper on my desktop of my  pooches and admiringly telling him the names and traits of my little furry children. He really tried to fain interest but I could see something lurking under that facade.
So I asked, "you don't really like dogs do you?" , "Oh I don't know...they're okay I suppose but no...actually no I don't really enjoy them." Well at least he was trying to be all  P.C. about it. I asked if he had ever had a pet dog and he was happy to say Nope! and I wouldn't want one either, I did dogsit one time though. And he proceeded to tell me exactly why he thought dogs were stupid, smelly, hairy, annoying , dumb (ya I am being redundant, but so was he) and a complete waste of time and effort. Apparently he and his partner were doing the good deed of helping out a friend by dogsitting their shi tzue  or little shit, as i like to refer to them. He said at first it was all , Oh okay...isn't she cute? but the admiration of her cuteness waned quickly as the work of dog care set in. He said she would sit there and just stare at him, he would ask her "are you hungy?" stare...."are you thirsty?" stare....."do you want to go out?" stare , blink, look away and look back again to stare...."Oh well if you aren't going to tell me what you want then tough , you can just sit and stare" He said this was a daily routine which took place most waking moments when they were trapped in the condo together. He also lamented that he would take her down diligently several times a day to do her doo doos , a trek which was down the hall to the elevator , down 11 stories , out to the boulevard to simply stand and wait while she would just look up at him and stare. Sometimes she took a little tinkle but usually nothing substantial. Oh no...nothing until they would return to the apartment and as soon as he would close the door should would drop a little chocolate for him !!! What a good girl!!! He stated that this was her behavior the entire time he was saddled with the tiny staring googly eyed burden. Poor little doggy, I asked him " did you ever pick her up and cuddle her? Did you try to engage with her and maybe play fetch or maybe
just try to keep her entertained a little bit?" His reply, "Nooooooo ? why would I do that? she's dirty and hairy" He said the experience in itself was enough to convince him that dogs are stupid and useless. He said the final straw was when he went to put his designer loafer on (can't remember the label ,seriously, they were loafers people!) anyhoo, getting back to his final straw, he went to put his loafer on and she left him a loaf! haha, pinched a loaf in his loafer! Who's stupid now huh? I think she was probably much smarter then dumbass could ever give her credit for, she knew he didn't like her and so she made his life misery cause he was making her life misery. All she probably wanted was some affection and something that resembled a walk not a jaunt to the elevator then down to the boulevard. I have seen my dogs exhibit stupidity but I have also seen them exhibit signs of intelligence. They sense my sorrow and they sense my joy. Ive seen them smile and Ive seen them pout, Ive seen them show great concern for people in distress and at times Ive seen the deviousness which has rendered them giant loaves of bread off the counter. One thing I know is no matter how crabby Ive been , no matter how horrible my day is and I may have taken it out on them in one form or another ( like not taking them for a walk or ignoring their pleas for belly rubs) they are still there for me. Every morning is truly a new fresh day for them and they are always sooooo thrilled to see me! Im a superstar in their eyes!!! The worlds greatess person ever!!! I am the keeper and holder and distributor of dogs biscuits!!! But it's not just that, I am their Alpha ....and probably Omega for that matter, they truly enrich my life and honestly their unconditional love is what has led me to believe that dog spelled backwards is God for a reason. I like cats and birds but what does that render when you flip it around? Drib? Tac? I rest my case. And with this I ask you, Who doesn't love dogs??? I know I do!

Im just having one of those days....you know what I mean.....

Oh...I'm just having one of those of those days....weve all heard it from one of our friends or colleagues " Im just having one off those days!" with an exclamation or a sigh of resignation...and of course on many occasions we've spouted it out ourselves. I think it begins like this:
Get up and stub your toe on the way to the bathroom as the alarm is going off, do a quick 10 minute shower only to realize after you have gotten out and started the hair doing process that you've neglected to rinse your conditioner out....so back to the john, rinse it out, now you're running late ok...no worries cause you picked out the night before what you're going to wear. Damn it...I wore these pants a while ago and they fit just fine! Camel toe? how , how did this happen, rethink the bottom half of the outfit, think , think damn it!  So off you go to make the coffee and get things rolling , back upstairs to get dressed and finish the lid, trot back downstairs to discover one of the dogs has barfed all over a piece of furniture and now the coffee maker is overflowing. Oh Joy!
So off to work you go, finally, albeit late but that's okay cause you'll use your secret "shit Im gonna be late" shorcut!! hahaaaha!!! the shortcut to avoid all the dippy slow , crappy drivers bogging up the arteries of the city with their crappy , slow ass driving, like they have all day and super understanding bosses so why should they rush? So shorcut good, going well, zipping along and boom....school bus 12 o'clock....kid with crutches, this will never do!! So side street maneuver, into the back alley down to the main intersection and you are minutes away! Okay, pulling into the parking lot after hitting every red light possible in the three remaining blocks to your office and now there is some person, farting around...looking for change , with their vehicle parked blocking the entrance while they try to procure their parking chit!!!! AARRGGHH !!!
Well you've made it thus far and nothing wrong with stopping to take a deep breath ,practice a mantra or two, examine your fingernails for dirt, check for stray nose hairs....try really hard not to say out loud ( hurry up you stupid moron!) and finally they get the hell out of the way and you are in a stall and parked in a maneuver that would make Andretti nod and raise his eyebrows with approval as you make a three second dash to your desk which is actually at least 5 minutes away.
Ahhh so ya made it, no one says too much at all and doesn't really notice you happen to be 15 minutes late, not bad considering, however there is always the one dork who comes around the corner to say "Hey ya made it!" ya whatev dork , good morning dork, now go away dork before I stab you with a pencil! So la la la, day progresses , things go wrong, paper jam in the photo copier, print the wrong files, send them to the wrong printer, realize you've printed a receipt for online shopping at Iloveshoes.com to bosses printer and he is kind enough to deliver it to your desk....  
Yay , you made it through lunch with only a minor splotch of something red down the front of your shirt, but that's okay, only a mere 3 1/2 hrs left of this monotony. You can do it!!!! ahhh heavy sigh....until your calendar sends that reminder of the oh so important task you forgot. The task that you have been putting off and putting off and now it can be put off no longer. Damn it! Oh well, at this point you resign yourself to getting it started and see how far you can get only to realize you have deleted all pertinent documents when you were trying to destroy all evidence of online shopping on the work time!! Well, 3 hrs later and a multitude of  F bombs you realize it's not so bad and you should be done on time. Alright I think i have time for a quick wiz , oh....the closet bathroom is closed for cleaning, okay upstairs to the 3rd floor. What closed for cleaning as well? huh? finally across to the other side of the building , heavy sigh of relief only to look down and realize you've put your underwear on inside out. No biggie cause really this is when you go to zip up and the lace gets stuck in your zipper and your zipper breaks as you try to force it and you really wish you would have brought a sweater or something longer and some kind person outside your stall says with a certain amount of concern "are you alright?" and your only reply you can get out is .....OH, Im just having one of those days!!!!

this is the type of day that at the end of it , when you crawl into bed all you can do is say "Thank God this day is over" give one last heavy sigh and as you drift off into dreamsville whisper one last little prayer " Please God, can I win the lottery?"

Cell Phone Nightmares....Im gonna go back to writing letters!

Ya....weve all been there! Stuck in the "Voice Recognition Tree" waiting on hold while a barrage of computer simulated voice choices are asked of us only to finally get through to a "CSA" customer service representative who hates their job and at some point "accidentally" cuts you off!  One word.....FRUSTRATING! In the last 5 days i have spent at least, at least an hour or more on the phone everyday explaining the same issues and needs to various different reps to sort out new phone plans for our cells. I'll tell ya, Im blesssed with patience. Ask anyone, Im an extremely patient person. Sometimes to the point were people are compelled to take my pulse and see if Im still breathing. This , for the most part can be considered a fairly good trait to have. Unfortunately when it comes to certain situations it helps to be a little impatient so that you can get the moxy up to put your foot down! Takes a lot to crack my serene exterior but some have achieved this to find out what nasty green goo can ooze from those cracks in their direction. I've often said, turn the other cheek, and Ive often done that but hey, I only have 4 friggin cheeks and once you've slapped all of them you're going to experience me grabbing your hand and making you punch yourself in the face with it! Twice if need be!

Getting back to the cell phone frustrations....it's always frustrating when technology lets us down, for example when you are cruising down the highway enjoying a little Air Supply on your stereo and singing along to "you're all that want,Im so lost without you, ..." and you blow a gasket. Well not you per say but your vehicle. So you roll to the side of the highway, and it's pissing rain by the way, and you think ok...no biggie, Ill just call AMA or CAA or whatever it is ..only to discover the No Service notification on your phone! Yay! so handy to have a cell phone for emergencies! So there you sit...broke down car, dogs in the back, stinky, big, slobbery dogs , all excited because you've pulled over and to them that means something exciting, like leaving the car and going out for a walk in the wilderness!!! ewww look at all the trees out there!! ya but , no but....it's pissing rain , remember? So what to do , what to do? get out and walk along a deserted highway in the rain with no shoulders (uh on the highway I mean) and maybe if you're lucky you don't get eaten by a bear or a cougar. Well that's the beauty of others doing good deeds and stopping to help. Hey wait a minute!!! how come they have cell phone coverage out here in the boonies? what's up with that? I pay a shitload of money to my cell phone provider every month for years now and I have no cell  phone coverage! Seriously people!!! WTF? So our hypothetical situation , a reality and the dogs....ya they got to sit in the back of the vehicle while it was towed to the nearest service area. Haha....thinking of them up on the flatbed of the tow truck,  in the back of the vehicle, looking out the window and wondering with their teeny, tiny little walnut size dog brains, duhh what's going on? duhhh why are we so high up off the road , duhhh bone, bone , bone, running, slobbering duhhh bone, oh...i think I'll lick my genitals now...duh....slobber slobber. Well maybe Im enjoying thinking they felt a little put out cause then it would feel like some form of payback for all the dog barf and poop Ive had to collect over the last decade! Wouldn't it have been nice if I could have put a bunch of that dog poo and barf in a big paper bag and put it on my cell phone providers front step, set it on fire, rang the doorbell and ran away?

Hush Hush -Oh so quiet

Oh to blog, blog blog blog, well someone told me once (because he was sick of listening to me rant) to "get a blog!" so perhaps this was a good suggestion! I would have never believed that i would have time to sit and blog but if i have to sit and stare out the window at a mountain I suppose I can take a bit of time to blog about it! Well, here I sit at my kitchen table in my little house in the shadow of the big mountain! Turtle Mountain to be precise! The mountain that moves , as the aboriginals referred to it many years ago. They were smart those ancestors of mine and it must have been before firewater to boot, they had their wits about them enough to know that when they were making their trek through the Crowsnest Pass they shouldn't be stopping under The Mountain that Moves! And here's why : On April 29, 1903, at 4:10 a.m., 82 million tonnes (30 million cubic metres) of limestone crashed from the summit of Turtle Mountain and buried a portion of the sleeping town of Frank. The dimensions of the rock mass that fell are 150 metres (500 feet) deep, 425 metres (1,400 feet) high and one kilometre (3,280 feet) wide.

Can we say OUCH! They figure approximately 90 or so people were crushed and turned into something resembling an olive tapenade....damn it ! why did i say that? I love tapenade, black olive tapenade to be precise...that was going to be my supper, black olive tapenade with a dab of humus and some fresh garden tomatoes from my mans mother's garden in Edmonton. Now those tomatoes taste like real tomatoes! Unlike the fake ones presented to us in the grocery stores. You know the ones that arrive on your sandwich or burger at a restaurant, looking green and slightly red on the outsides. No flavor at all, and texture? hmmm the state of vegetables now a days ....ho hum...perhaps I'll save that for another day when i have nothing to say but for now, just for a few more lines, lets get back to Turtle Mountain. I love how small synchronicities come along in life and you don't even really register them until it smacks in the face and you go "wow, that's cool" Meh....maybe it isn't really a synchronicity however I did live on a teeny , weeny , tiny little group of islands, three to be precise , joined by sandbars called Koh Nang Yuan, and I had an incredible view of a larger tiny island called Koh Tao, translation: Turtle Island. Now I live in the shadow of Turtle Mountain on the other side of the world from whence i sat staring yonder almost a decade ago! This is nice, with rocks and trees and mountains and such and that was nice with rocks and trees and mountains and such. Oh...ya...that had and ocean all around it filled with tropical fish and sand and super hot climate that didn't require shitloads of clothing to keep me warm. Oh well....you can't have everything can you?
I know i spent many days on Nang yuan in a sluggish ,heat induced stupor sometimes wondering how normal it was for the ocean to be the same temperature as my body? I also used to sit and wonder why I wasn't dead from food poisoning? I use to watch the locals unload stock from the boats and leave crates of eggs sitting on the dock for hours. Those eggs ended up in most of my meals and somehow i survived? I digress...there was that one very unfortunate incident in 2004 that turned into a 5 day event which involved lots of stuff exploding out of almost every orifice of my body. Not fun at all, the culprit? or should i say , culprits? Oysters, yes (I'm stupid) raw oysters the size of a house cat.  They arrived on a platter and to me , looked like small baby whale fetus' but save face i chowed down! I really thought that would be more dignified than saying "OH MY GOD , ARE YOU F'N KIDDING ME????"  and refusing to eat them , than almost dieing in a puddle of my own vomit and etc, etc, (please don't make me say the D word...) Okee dokee...and on that note, I shall sign off and go stare at the mountain and see if I can catch it moving a smidge?